One would think that getting Joey Awards Heavy Hitters Nicolas Cage and Maika Monroe to star in your movie would make it a slam dunk for our publication here. It is unfortunate news that I have to report that Oz Perkins’ ‘Longlegs’ did little to win over our hearts and minds here at The Joey Awards Dot Com.

The film starts out strong enough, with Nicolas Cage, standing so his face is out of view, having an odd conversation conversation with a young girl. It’s unsettling in a way that draws you in, knowing that this very strange man has no business being near this eight year old girl, let alone in conversation with her. As he lowers himself to get on her level, briefly bringing his face into view, the title card abruptly drops and we’re treated to old school 80s style horror credits to lead in. It’s at this point that I’m thinking “there is absolutely no way this movie is not an 11/10 slam dunk! Perkins is cooking!”

Time makes fools of us all. As the movie rolls along it quickly starts dipping into safe and familiar territory. Borrowing rather heavily from the rare 6/5 film ‘The Silence of the Lambs.’ During it’s most competent first two acts it’s unfortunate that ‘Longlegs‘ must be compared to Jonathan Demme’s masterpiece. A young female FBI Agent, trying to hunt down a serial killer among testosterone fueled adrenaline junkies makes for a great setting, I’ve no complaints about it cribbing from that. Well, maybe one complaint that it never quite nails it as thoroughly as Demme, Hopkins, and Foster did in 1991. That’s a high bar to clear though and if it had pulled it off I would have been absolutely floored.

Maika’s performance as a perpetually awkward and out of place agent is good in all fairness. When asking her supervisor’s daughter about a trophy that had it’s head broken off the girl says that it’s been missing and she doesn’t know where to find it, Harker replies to an 8 year old girl, “I guess that’s my job.” Compared to the charismatic and self assured energy of Agent Carter, the timid nature of Harker is stark, and it makes both performances pop in a satisfying way. Cage is also bringing everything that we would expect from a Nicolas Cage serial killer performance. The opening scene is certainly his most captivating moment, but he chews scenery every chance he gets. Leaving anyone watching upset, confused, and terrified for the safety of everyone around. The scariest thing about Longlegs killings is he does not kill anyone himself, there’s not even evidence of him being present except for a letter he leaves behind written in code, much akin to the Zodiac killer. The father of the murdered family kills everyone and then himself.

Cage’s character Longlegs is constantly spouting Satanic precepts, and classic rock quotes any chance he gets. The film opens up with a quote from a T. Rex song, and marries the idea of Satanism to 70s rock at every turn. The references to Satanism should have been a warning to me that if I wanted this movie to be about something, or have a moral, or any kind of point I should get off the train. Because while it presented itself as a smart, hard boiled, FBI thriller in the third act it subjects us to a hard rug pull and pivots to something else. I will be spoiling the end of the movie because it is unfortunately as dumb as a box of rocks.

As we rattle in to the end of the film a few things are revealed, first of all Longlegs makes dolls for all the families. They are unsettling in the classic way that dolls and dummies can be. At this reveal it’s starting to feel like Oz Perkins has a big board of “Spooky Stuff” and he is checking boxes off to put things into the movie, whether they have any reason to be in it or not. The Devil, check. Serial killers, check. Dolls, check. Next we learn that Harker was the girl at the beginning of the film and the day Harker met Longlegs was a few days before her ninth birthday, all the murdered familys had daughters that were about to turn nine. When Agent Harker called to ask her mom about what happened on her ninth birthday her mother says she doesn’t remember at all. I honestly don’t know how to reveal this with any more tact than the movie does so I’ll just get to it, Longlegs has been living in Agent Harker’s mother’s basement and making demon possessed dolls that force the father to kill his entire family in the name of the devil, and Harker’s mom helps him do it.

I think part of the reason this twist enrages me is because this movie felt better than this. It’s one thing when a pulpy Shyamalan movie twist doesn’t pay out. I wasn’t expecting a lot from ‘The Happening‘ or ‘Lady in the Water‘ mid viewing. But ‘Longlegs‘ FELT smart, even though it wasn’t cooking with anything at any point, except what it had borrowed from better films that came before it. I left the theater feeling tricked. If it had presented itself like Evil Dead I may have liked it! But even during the first two acts that felt intelligent, it lacked the charm and joie de vivre of Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi. So what we’re left with is a half baked combo of ‘Silence of the Lambs‘, ‘Hereditary‘, and ‘Zodiac‘ that feels considerably less that the sum of its parts.

1.5/5