“How many times are we going to keep doing this?”

It strikes me odd that the first line of dialogue I caught as Jurassic World Rebirth began was a question I had entertained entering the theater. It’s a joke as old as the franchise itself, pointing out that continuing to stuff dinosaurs on an island for people to gawk at will inevitably lead to disaster. And yet year after year we line up for tickets to the CGI lizard fest to see villains get chomped on and heroes narrowly escape. I have to imagine that the line was a nod at a joke about the series, but it felt daunting going into a film that I already felt dubious about. If they’re not even confident than what am I doing here?

And yet they do it again, they fill an island with dinosaurs, some poor fools decide to go see the dinosaurs, and danger ensues. There are blessedly a few interesting things to piece apart, even if the film doesn’t seem as interested in the minutia as it should. For instance, dinosaurs have taken over the equatorial region of Earth, making it not only unlivable for humanity, but illegal for any persons foolish enough to set foot in. It feels like Edwards is trying to make a link to climate change, but not wanting to tip his hand fully, this lack of commitment is felt as the rules set up by the world are ignored for plot reasons at a break neck pace.

Our Zora (Scarlett Johansson) and Dr. Loomis (Jonathan Bailey) set off to the island with Captain Duncan Kincaid (Mahershala Ali) to retrieve DNA samples from the biggest dinosaurs to make a cure for an array of heart disease. They’re in it for the money as opposed the karma, as they’re working on behalf of a pharmaceutical company who will keep it under lock and key for only the highest bidders. As they track down their first target, the fish dinosaur in question capsizes a sailboat carrying a family, a father, his two daughters, and the older girl’s boyfriend are now along for the ride on the dino DNA hunt. It does beg to question, aren’t these waters illegal to be in? Shouldn’t this family not be here? The film does not seem to care, so I guess what am I doing here? Moving on.

The movie has everything that you’d expect from a Jurassic film, almost to such a degree that the market testing stretches against the borders of the screen at every turn, its outline visible as the picture plays on. In order to gain four quadrant appeal they’ve added a classic barrage of hunks, beauties, kids, swarthy captains, dopey teens, and evil CEOs. There’s also a horribly misguided attempt to introduce the concept of mutant dinosaurs, more than likely to better sell toys that are different from the toys that children already own. To say that Jurassic World Rebirth is a paint by numbers affair is a little dismissive of the skill it takes to paint by numbers. It’s so clearly following the blueprints of what a Jurassic film should be it lacks soul, not only as a Jurassic film, but as a film in general. Furthermore, the visuals themselves never jump off the screen, which is disheartening seeing as how Edwards last film, The Creator, was a stunning feast of effects, enough to get it an Academy Awards Nomination. There is one impressive array here that feels like Director Edwards had a hand in it, as massive Apatosaurs with tendril like tails weaving together stand in valley, but one sequences does not a film make.

It’s hard to place blame here, the film is watchable certainly, it’s not even such a catastrophe to the degree that Jurassic World Dominion was. The all star cast is serviceable, the dinosaurs look good enough, the story largely makes sense. It’s all perfectly fine. But it does make wonder “How many times are we going to keep doing this?”

The film is well on its way to being financially profitable, and that’s good in an era of theaters closing and films not being able to make their budgets back. But part of me still questions why we keep coming back to a well that was basically dry once the credits rolled in 1994? Even the second best film of the franchise had it’s issues, and that was handled by not only the same guy who directed the first one, but also has proven himself to be one of the most talented directors ever. Must we continue to trudge back to an island dubiously filled with dinosaurs? The worst part is? I’ll be back, right along with those dinosaurs, to see someone else try to pet a T-Rex or whatever it is these people are trying to accomplish.

2.5/5