It’s hard not to compare GxK:TNE to the masterpiece that was Godzilla Minus One, after all they came out just shy of five months apart. The main takeaway from Minus One was that maybe Godzilla movies didn’t have to be painfully dull while letting the human characters take center stage. Unfortunately GxK did not seem to get the memo.

It starts out fun enough! Jim Reeves ‘Welcome to My World’ plays as we see Kong is frolicing among the flora and fauna of Hollow Earth. Hollow Earth is of course the realm just beneath ours that you have to get to via a portal? The rules are unclear, but it was a a reveal so unbelievably insane in Godzilla Vs. Kong (The previous film for those understandably not keeping score) that I had no choice but to fully buy into it. He hunts his prey, rips one apart above his head, gets covered in goop and goes to bed lonely as the last of his species. I’m having fun! There’s a big ape! And we’re in Hollow Earth! Let’s just keep getting weirder!

And then comes Rebecca Hall, who operates almost exclusively as a narrator for our good friends G and K. She’s there as less of an audience surrogate and more the person talking loudly behind you in the back row explaining what’s happening on the screen. And very similar to the situation described in the latter, I’m not sure I need their help? Obviously yes, the world of Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire is odd and alien and confusing, but it hold together much better as a big exciting silent screensaver than it does with Dr. Andrews looking at pictographs in an ancient ruin and explaining what every monster means and does.

Alongside our reliable narrator we have her adoptive daughter Jia (Kaylee Hottle) and our comedic relief (?), Dan Stevens. Who also seems to operate as a potential love interest? It’s impossible to tell, like most modern block buster movies these days the flirting is sterile and joyless, lest we upset our sensibilities. We can watch Godzilla blast a monster with nuclear breath and get covered in green slime but the idea of two adults kissing is too salacious for a modern audience. Backing up the crew we also have double comedic relief (?), and conspiracy theorist podcast Bernie Hayes (Brian Tyree Henry). What’s a modern film without more than one character to yell out inane quips at the CGI goop that fills the screen.

The main cast are all talented actors in their own right, Brian Tyree has an Academy Award nomination, Rebecca Hall has a BAFTA, and Dan Stevens has a Joey nomination, which makes it odd that the movie seems completely disinterested in anything that they do. They are simple observers, they have no agency, no well written dialogue, no real moments to speak of at any point in the movie, not anything that feels like it packs any punch. If we are to be subjected to following them around it would be nice if it felt like they were people and not simply lenses through which to view Kong and Godzilla, the camera does just fine at that.

And I mean that, there’s a solid chunk of the movie, probably the chunk that plays the best, where we are simply watching Kong as he rediscovers his kind. It is largely without dialogue, but nothing is lost. That’s mostly because the story of GxK: TNE is not a complicated one, but still it’s a remarkably fresh take from a movie that I was worried would offer nothing new. The film is at it’s best when no humans are anywhere near the screen.

You’ll notice I’ve barely touched on Godzilla, that’s because he’s hardly in the movie. He shows up a couple times, absolutely obliterates Rome for 5 minutes at on point, but is largely taking naps all over the globe. The level of devastation he causes is insane, and no one talks about the insurmountable loss of lives that definitely happened. It gives everything an odd one, almost like nothing any of the humans do matters at all. Not unlike my cat he is an absolute demon that decimates everything in front of him, until he gets tired and goes off screen.

As rough as I’ve been on it, I did have fun. While the Zilla/Kongiverse has IP it is tied to, it’s not handled with quite so much delicacy and honor as another Cinematic Universe I could name. It makes the whole process something to take less seriously and more like a big silly punch ’em up they all probably should be. I’m not sure there are any morals or lessons to take from the film, but if there was one it would be, when in doubt use the smaller monkey as a flail.

2/5