Having left the theater of The Devil Wears Prada 2 surprised by how well that vehicle was put together, I was hopeful that the next female centered sequel of the year, Susanne Bier’s Practical Magic 2 would perform as admirably as the former did. It brings me no joy to report that the two are not even playing the same sport let alone the same ballpark. The best way to explain its shortcomings is to go through the mess of a plot, so there will be full on spoilers going on.

After a fairly brutal exposition rundown of how Aidan Quinn’s character died because of the family curse, anyone that is loved by an Owens woman will die. So Sally Owens (Sandra Bullock) decided to quit magic because of that. There is a small snag with that logic though. Quitting magic does not make the curse go away, not teaching her daughters Kylie (Joey King) and Antonia (Maisie Williams) about the curse does not protect them from the curse. There’s something be said about grief affecting her judgement, but there’s only a downside from banning magic. Moreover the movie barely mentions the event that caused the forbidding of magic, only ever invoking the male characters from the prior films a handful of times. If the trauma was so brutal shouldn’t we at least see a photo of them? Or mention them by name more than once? I understand avoiding this in some ways, Practical Magic should not be a franchise about men and how they effect the sisters, and yet they aren’t solving that problem, simply keeping it at arm’s length in a strange way.

After the exposition is laid out the Owens Sisters, Sally & Gillian (Nicole Kidman) of the first film are getting together to throw a surprise birthday party for their beloved Aunt Jet (Dianne Wiest). The house, the food, the lights, all the trappings of life in a small Massachusetts hamlet are represented and while not building on the original much, it’s at least nice to see our friends again. Sally’s daughters show up from college to join in the festivities, there’s some mild magic hijinks from Aunt Jen and her sister Aunt Frances (Stockard Channing) and all feels right in the world. They do kill off Aunt Jen somewhat unceremoniously to move the plot forward. But that sequence where she passes away that is the most competently set up scene in the film, and then we quickly cut to her funeral happening. At her funeral Kylie’s boyfriend Gideon (Xolo Mariduenez) rushes to her side and this is where the wobbly nature of the plot begins to falls apart.

Kylie tells Gideon that she’s in love with him, a normal thing to do in a committed relationship. Because no one has ever seriously explained to her that if she falls in love, the object of her affection will perish soon thereafter, she does not realize the danger she has put Gideon in. Sally even meets Gideon, and barely bats an eye at the on coming danger. There’s a brief conversation between Kylie, Antonia, and Gillian where their aunt vaguely tells the girls that “love is not for Owens women” and laughs it off. It’s confusing at best, and dangerous and cruel to Gideon at worst. Shortly after Kylie expresses her feelings Gideon is hit by a car and the roses he picked up for Kylie fly around the street in a nod to the original film that makes even the cringiest of MCU self referential schlock look subtle.

For some reason he’s not dead though? He’s in a coma, watched over by Antonia who’s currently in med school. I assume he’s still alive exclusively for plot purposes. Meanwhile, Kylie finds a mysterious book that Aunt Jet had gotten that seems to have an answer to how to rid the Owens women of this pesky curse and save her boyfriend. She must fly to England, to the place her ancestor lived to unlock the pages of the book and receive her cure. If the plot didn’t feel sweaty before, it’s really starting to perspire at this point. Kylie arrives at the English village that housed her ancestor and meets a young man that offers to show her around named Thomas Lockland (Solly McLeod). He’s got a fairly threatening aura from the jump, and I incorrectly insisted to myself that there’s simply no way that the movie would be introducing a villain at the seventy minute mark apropos absolutely no lead up. I was sadly mistaken. He knocks her on the head and drags her to an altar where he can perform some kind of dark magic to steal her powers.

Meanwhile, Sally and Gillian chase after Kylie, leaving Antonia to putz around a hospital room taking care of Gideon. A strange choice to not include all four Owens women, but perhaps Director Bier just hates Maisie Williams? Regardless Sally and Gillian arrive in London and team up with Professor Ian Wright (Lee Pace) who has the background to help them find Kylie and get her home. He’s a guy that can do magic, which is already a little annoying, and he for some reason feels an immediate attraction to Sally. It’s good that he says that out loud and often because the two seem to have zero actual chemistry at any point, a surprise from two genuinely talented actors that have had many convincing on screen love affairs.

As the teams coalesce (except for Maisie Williams for some reason, she’s still stuck in that hospital room in America) there’s a dreadfully dull wizard battle between Sally and Thomas that watches like a Temu Harry Potter magic fight, and feels extremely out of place in a Practical Magic movie besides. The day is won, but it’s discovered that the only way to lift the curse is for a witch to give up her life willingly. So Stockard Channing bafflingly decides to off herself to save Gideon? I guess cause she’s old? These movies are supposed to be about sisterhood, the intuition of women, and how they can not just exist happily without the presence of men, but often thrive doing so. Nearly every choice feels at odds with those themes, and the plotty nature of the film, combined with a two hour and ten minute runtime that you feel every second of makes for one of the roughest watches of the year.

1/5